The Bike Gets Rusty. Don't you know?

They say if you learn to ride a bike once, you will always know how to. No matter how long you don't ride it. But after sometime the bike gets rusty.

This is the metaphor I would use for this particular situation I want to talk about. But timing issues related to exams preventing me from developing this description of the situation. So this entry is just a reminded for myself to develop it further after the son of the fucking bitch that are exams.

What do we do now?

Can someone be so sad and hurt and broken that they are unable to show slightest emotions? Can an emotional damage create a physical heart ache or are they both related?

This was long time coming. I knew it. We all knew it. But how do you prepare yourself for something like that? We all failed.

Because you can't. And no one did. No one was ready. No matter how many times we went over it in our heads and spoke about it. No matter how many of us were trying to delay it and how much we were not looking forward to it. It came anyway. Like an unexpected tsunami and hit us right in the face at full force.

And it isn't even the actual event that hurts the most. It is not the hugging and the meaningless goodbyes. It is what they represent. It doesn't matter how much we hated each other or dissed about each other behind our backs or even if we never spoke to each other, it has been five years of our lives and all that we can say to each other as our eyes meet across the familiar crowd is: 'It's been five years'.

It's the aftermath. It is how we supposed to close the book and open a new one. What if the new one is sealed together and the old one doesn't want to close? What if the old one is still not full and the last chapter is still not finished? And don't give me that bullocks about how it is a new beginning of something better and the beginning of the rest of your life. Who said we were ready to end this book?

What do we do now? Do we wake up tomorrow morning and go about our lives like its an ordinary day? Do we pretend that nothing has happen? Or do we just get over it, accept the path of life and look forward to new beginnings and brighter future? And hope that one day we will see each other on the street and come across to say hello. What if we know that the chances of seeing the person that sat across the classroom to you for five years are similar to the Queen coming around for a cup of tea?

Which ever option is the right one, I'm probably doing the wrong one. How many people would be able to wake up at 6 o'clock in the morning and still be happy to go to school? Over the last five years, I don't think there was a day that I complained about school, said that I didn't want to be there, showed any resistance and was unhappy to go to it. And I know this is not my story but let me just make it personal for a while: I loved everyday of it and every person in it and the closer we got to the end, the more I loved all of it. Not get me wrong, I'd loved the holidays just as much, but on the sixth week of the six weeks holidays, I couldn't wait to go back to school. And when someone asks me what I'll miss most about school, I can't answered them because it's not a particular thing or person, or a group of people or things. It is the whole combination of things that make up school.

It is not the best school in the world. But it was our school. For five years. The longest time we stayed stationary at one place. It was and always will be, our school, our life, the beginning of us...our foundations. And no one can take these away from us. Time might sprint by, things might come and go and friend might not last forever. Some people we might see again, other we will never see again, but the memories will always stay with us.

It is hard to give it all up and move on, but that is not the source of my heart ache. There are about 300 people if year 11. And I will miss about 290 of them. However, that's not why I feel so shitty. I like to see what each of them turn out to be. I like to see them grow up and evolve. I like to stay in touch or at least have the option to do so. I mean, I probably only care about a 100 people out of all of them but that is not the point. I like to have the choice to hear their voice when I want to. I like to have the option to see them when my memory need a refreshment. I don't want to look back at this time in few years or months and think 'Damn, why didn't I take that persons number?' or 'Why didn't I ever speak to this person and get to know them better?'

So it is not the leaving everything behind and starting all over that is pissing me off. That is not why I am so fucking confused right now. Is it because I know that I will look back and kick myself in the ass for making stupid mistakes and holding back and not doing what I felt like doing. For not finding out what would have happened and spending the rest of myself regretting not making the best of the opportunity.

So many things that we still want to do and haven't gone around to do so. You always think there is tomorrow to do them or undo other things that we regret. But what if you knew that there is no tomorrow and there is no 'I'll see you soon'? What if the world that has been yours for a major part of your life is fulfilled with 'I'll miss you'? Which can probably me interpreted as 'I'll forget about you the second I'll turn around to hug the next person in the crowd'? And what if it is the crown that you will miss?

I wish someone would just answer all of these questions. Actually, I don't even care about the answers. All I need is for someone to hug me and hold me tightly so I would feel that there is still a common factor between yesterday and tomorrow. I need someone to shut up about their own problems such for a second and listen to me. I need to know that there is at least one person in the whole wide world that still notices me as I walk past and hears me as I speak. Just for one day at least. But that's another story...

And what if there is no one that is willing to listen to these questions apart from involuntary blog?