Silent Storm: 1 Day

1 day to go and I'm not sure what to do with myself. Only very few times before have I felt like this. Actually thinking about, I never felt like this. It's not depression. I don't know what it is. But I know one thing: I need to talk to someone. I need them to say what they think it is. I just need to see a reply. Something blogs don't offer which is a shame because right now, this blog is the closest I'm going to get to talking to someone. Someone who might at least pretend to understand. Even with they don't. How many people can do that? Not a lot. I feel like taking out the notebook and writing something. And that is not a good sign. I want to cry. Oh my god! I think I'm going to cry! But I'll wait till I get into bed because I don't want my parents to see me this low. I don't want to give them the satisfaction.

Today was the last day of school before summer holidays. It was a very long, hot, boring day. And when it came to the end, it was time to say goodbye. I don't know if I ever mentioned before but me and goodbyes just do not go. Who the hell invented goodbyes? I'm not sure what it is about them, but I just can't handle it. Standing there, looking into the person eyes and knowing you wont see them for a whole month! It kills me. Especially when you got so used to being around the person and speaking to them. It's like an equations. And saying goodbye is breaking it all apart to create a new one. And just when I got used to the people around me. When all these people started playing different parts in my life to make it just a little bit easier, I have to say goodbye. But the worst part is now. When I turned around and started walking away, I just new I forgot to do or say something. And even now (hours and hours after) I'm not sure what it is I forgot. But it is killing me.

Now it is time for my notebook to take over. For a while anyway.

Tomorrow will be my last day here. But the way I'm feeling right now, I most likely to post something tomorrow as well. I might even write something while I'm on my holiday. Just because someone might just be interested what is going through my head.

Painful Waiting: 3 Days

Oh my god! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD!
There is only 3 days to go before I begin my journey to the world of freedom. With this crystal happiness comes the sleepless nights and endless worries. And to makes things more difficult, I got caught right in the middle of the annual British heatwave. I was lucky in previous years to escape it by going away (to Lithuania most of the times). But this year the sticky, humid, hot, unbearable heat came too early. The school hasn't even finished! How dare the heat come so early! Doesn't the heat know I have to sit on one chair for hours sometimes! Or even worse, I have to do athletics on the field (or the prisons where the heat tortures me to slow, painful death). The field where the only shade is...THERE ISN'T ANY!

The picture in the previous entry reminds me of Lithuania for some undiscovered reason. The dim lights, the deserted streets and the mysterious yet welcoming feeling I get when I look at the picture makes my heart beat just a little bit faster then usual.

The above two paragraphs were written at school during a very boring ICT lesson. And what I'm writing now is coming from my house. So here I am, thinking of something to write. My mum just helped me to dye my hair black. And once again ( as always) I'm kind of disappointed with the outcome. I do love it and everything but I was expecting something nicer. Now it looks a bit grayish (I think). While I was busing do that, my phones was upstairs in my bag and guess who decided to ring me at that time. When it was impossible for me to hear it. JULIA. And when I found the missed calls, I tried to phone back but she wasn't answering. I can't think of any thing else to write at the moment so I'm going to finished it here for now. And maybe later on, when the unbearable weather cools down or I manage to steal the air conditioner from my parents who are enjoying it downstairs, I might carry on with this entry.

So, How Was Your Day?: 6/5 Days

"Something about this relationship feels otherworldly to me, like it was designed by a power and a hand greater than my own"

Oprah Winfrey

Songs. Lyrics. And other peoples words. All so fascinating. If I had no common sense, I would probably just copy lyrics and passages to this blog all the time instead of writing my own shit. But I guess people don't want to read lyrics here. After all, this is supposed to be a place to free my mind, not share lyrics which people can get from anywhere. Sometime when I'm reading something, I don't see a reason for me to write anything ever again because everything I feel or think is already written. "Music is the great communicator" and maybe that's why I would probably go totally insane without it. In my English class there is this poster which says: "There is no book so bad, that there is no good in it". Well, sometimes that's how I feel about music. Ok, there is some songs which are so bad that they should be considered a crime against humanity. But majority of songs (even some shitty pop songs), have some sort of positive force of communication. It's like, when I switch on my mp3 player or my Windows Media Player, the invisible force, like a hand, comes out of the speakers or headphones and reaches for my heart. Then this invisible hand of power holds my heart, sometimes twisting it and making me angry and sometimes holding it tight to prevent it from breaking and making me cry.

The quotation at the beginning of this entry is from some stupid article in O magazine, made by Oprah Winfrey. That article was about how some people think she and Gayle King are in a sexually (gay) relationship. But away from that non sense, Oprah was trying so explain how strong her relationship is with Gayle. Apparently, they have been friends for over 30 years and have a 'four-times-a-day phone calls' relationship. I so don't care about them, but while reading it, I started thinking whether me and Julia will be this closer after 30 years. No one knows what will happened in the next 30 years. Well, apart from all that Global Warming shit and more wars. But excluding these not important subjects, in 30 years we might not even be alive. But if me and Julia are alive, the only way I see myself is with her beside me. And even if there is 3 kids on the other side of me or a bag of heroin, she will always be next to me. Because even when I try to imagine life without her for a slight second, it proves to be impossible. From here on, there are only two solutions to my life: the first is me with Julia, and the second is... well, the second is, me having no life at all. Few years back, me and Julia made a promise to each other: if one of us would die, the other would follow. I was thinking about that few days ago, and I think that promise needs an updating. If I died, there is no way I would want Julia to take her life. I much rather she fulfilled the dreams I failed to. I would want her to make all the fairy tales we made up come true. Beside, if I had a family or even children (that sound so funny), I would want her to take care of it.

There was something else I wanted to say, but I kind of forgot. [A very long pause]. Oh well, I can't remember. I am now trying to find a nice picture for this entry. [Another long pause]. Today, I told someone that I cried while watching Edward Scissorhands (yeah, I know. I even surprised myself when the tears come sprinting down my face), and then that person said that they never cried while watching a film. I don't really understand how could someone cry to a song but not to a movie. I consider myself to be a strong person when it comes to managing my emotions. But, come on! How cold do you have to be, to have never cried during a film? So I came to a conclusion: either this person have not watched enough movies, or he is completely cold. Both of which, I found extremely hard to believe.

This might possibly be my last entry before I fly away to the land of freedom. And a lot of under age drinking. And smoking while we're on that subject. I might write something before I go. That's if I don't get into one of those lazy phases which lasts for days. I might also write something during my holidays, which I really doubt. But you never know. Expect the unexpected, I say.

Something Missing: 19 Days

And so the exams are finished. Finally. Up until now I was delaying everything to focus on my exams or at least that is what I was trying to force myself to do (did not work). But now it's all over I don't even now where to begin. I was so much to do and only 19 days to do it. Well, 18 days because on the 19th I have to wake up at like 4 am and go to the airport. I thought today I will feel free and relieved but instead I have a stinging migraine and I am melting.

Right now I am sitting on my broken chair and typing shit because I am so bored. Actually I have loads of stuff to do but I'm too lazy to do them. I can't watch TV because my parents are watching World Cup semi final and I can't stand to be in the same room as them right now. I have no one to talk to either. There is no one online and my phone book is pretty short.

It seem whenever I have something to say or something to talk about something always gets in the way. Today that thing is my horrible headache which is either going to kill me or I'm going to kill myself to escape the pain. When listening to music feels like drilling in your head, it's time to go to bed. But, on the positive note I just took 2 pills of some kind so if my headache disappears (fingers crossed) I might carry on with this entry.

Happy Birthday: 20 Days

Labas,
Sveikinu tave su gimtadieniu! Linkiu tau laimes, meiles ir kad visos tavo svajones issipildytu.As tau bandziau paskanbinti bet neisejo. Norejau isgirsti tavo balsa ir palinketi gero gimtadienio! Rasau as si laiska kad tu nepagalvotum kad as bloga drauge. Negalvok kad as uzmirsau. As taves labai labai labai pasiilgau and myliu tave labiau negu save and visa kita. As labai noreciau tau ka nors padovanoti ir man labai skaudu kad negaliu. Tu turbut sventi savo gimtadieni ir linksiniesi! Tai va, tiek ir norejau pasakyti: kad as nepamirsau, kad tave myliu ir labai laukiu buti su tavim.

To Julia,
Happy birthday! I wish you happiness, love and for all your dreams to come true. I tried to phone you in the morning but I couldn't get through. I just wanted to hear your voice once again and I wanted to wish you all the best by saying it not just writing it in an e-mail or a text. The reason I'm writting this is because I don't want you to think I'm a bad friend or that I have fogotten about your birthday. I love so so so so much, I love you more then I love myself (I don't love myself at all, but anyway) and the rest of the world. I really wanted to get you a birthday present or just give you hug and kiss you or just to see you on this day. It kills me that I can't do any of them. It's like razors inside me, cutting everything that comes along. You are probably celebrating your birthday and enjoying yourself. And I am so happy for you. I'm happy that at least one of us is living their life to the full and not wasting it by sitting at home, making friends with the computer. Well, that is all I wanted to say: I love you, I miss you, I really need you. Ohh, and I haven't forgot about your birthday, but I guess you wasn't worried about that: you was never the paranoid type. I can't wait to be with you.

Give It All Away: 22 Days

I would give it all away just to have somewhere to go. 22 days to go and I am slipping away. Fading. Drowning. I really don't think I can make it. But what choice do I have. And I am sick of typing about myself. I sick of typing I this and I that. I'm sick of everything. I don't even know why I got out of bed this morning. Every second I'm awake I feel shit and miserable. I have nothing to look toward to part from escaping this pain. Grief. Suffering. Today I went shopping with my mum and that is never a sign of happy ending. But what am I supposed to do. I can't exactly go on my own and I don't have any friends on this side of the continent to go with. And today was the day I experience or had a taste of something I always believed in anyway: you can't buy happiness. No new handbag, pair of trousers or 3 brand new t-shirts will make you feel happy or even stable. And it does not even cover the exposed wounds of distress. In fact all it does is makes you tired. But maybe that is a good thing. I mean, at least while you walking through endless number of shops and picking up cloths you know you will never wear, you don't have to think about what awaits when you get into the car and drive home. When you get out the car and step back into the house that turns your stomach three times around. Then the blood rushes to your head and you feel like falling to the floor and dying.