The Final Countdown:53 Days

You know it's the right thing to do. You know it's the only way. You know you will regret it if you don't. Yet you choose not to.

Maybe it's just the way we're programmed or maybe I'm just too lazy. I can't be the only one, to whom this happens. And everyday I watch myself sink deeper and deeper. Waiting for the 'unknown' to rescue me. Knowing it is just a fantasy.

When I am surrounded by people, all I want is to be alone. When I'm alone, all I want is be with someone. Don't get me wrong, being with other people and spending time is great. But sometimes, you need some time by yourself. To think. To organize your thoughts. To try and understand the world around you. Nevertheless, all of this come as a package. If you think too much, you come to some disturbing conclusions. If you spend the whole day by yourself. Alone in a big house with no one to talk to, you start talking to yourself. That's nothing to worry about, nearly everyone does it. But then there comes a time, when you start talking to people. People that are no there. 'Invisible friends' as some would called them. And it's only then that you realize: something is wrong.

But it's too late to go back.

Thurnderbirds Are GO!

Deeper And Deeper: 54 Days

The deeper we walk into the forest, the more lost we are.

I heard this song on the radio today: 'I wish I was a punk rocker' by Sandi Thom. Very rarely do I listen to a song and feel as with it was written about me. Or by me. Every word of that song fits perfectly. I kind of want to hate that girl, for writing a song that I would of written give it few years. But the words fit so exactly and perfectly into the puzzle, I find it a bit scary listening to the song. I could remember every word of this indescribable song after hearing only once. It feels like it's my song. Like I was the one who wrote it. Apart from the beautiful lyrics, the song is nothing special.

Beside, having a headache from listening to music for hours and hours, the day went by too quickly. I feel like I wasted the whole day doing... well, nothing. I sat on this broken chair for about 90% of the day, and I spend the other 10% by eating, making coffee for myself and then going to the toilet.

I don't even want to think about 'home'. The fact that tomorrow is the last day of school before summer holidays begin for Julia, is killing me. Killing me from inside out. The worst form of murder. No one can see, no one knows and no one can help. I just thought of name for this fatal pain: invisible death.

Speechless: 55 Days

Nothing to write. Nothing to share.
My mind is in chaos. Someone call for order.

Ok, lets cut through the shit and go straight to the point. I have nothing to say or write or share. I don't even know why I'm writing. Maybe I should stop? I think that's what I'm going to do.

Oh, before I go, just like to say I had a shit day and I'm trying to revise for the soon-coming Maths GCSE exams. Don't wish me luck because I don't believe in all that rubbish. You make your own luck.

Stronger Dose: 56 Days

56 painful days to go. And everyday seems longer and longer. I try to keep occupied, just so I don't have to think about it. But it's just a waste of time. Everything I do, everything I touch, see, hear and say reminds me of only one thing. Home. I call it home but it's not, is it? It hasn't been my home for ever 4 years.

Home. It's an interesting word. This word brings me security, a feeling of fulfillment and freedom. I don't think anything else can do just that. But it's the word that brings me these feelings. It's what I associate 'home' with. Julia. The name that will be on my lips the day I die.

Death. Even more fascinating word. If, someone was to walk down a busy street and asks everyone that passed by, 'Are you scared of death?', how many of them would say yes? A lot. Up until about 3 days ago, I would of said 'yes' too. But then I realized, it's not death that I'm scared of; it's the things I will have to leave behind. Or the people I would have to leave. Or maybe it's just the things I will never have a chance to try? Anyway, what I'm trying to say is, that the idea of dying does not frighten me. And since we all have to die someday, I think we have to enjoy and use wisely every second we have with the ones we love. We should also try everything we can while we can. Well, you get the message. Live everyday like it's the last.
Live today, not tomorrow? Easier said then done.

Saturated Mind: 57 Days

Let the countdown begin: 57 Days

My mind is saturated with evil thoughts and useless ideas. My mind is about to explode because it has over-run its limit. Confused and lost. Pushed outside the lines by the power of the world. But the voices in my head do not die:
She pushes the razor into her wrist. She pushes so damn hard and deep into her wrist. And no blood is seen. "How?," she asks herself. So she pushes even deeper. Now the razor is so deep, she can feel it wrestling with her bone. And still, no blood. "How could this be?," she screams, tears rolling down her pale cheek. She gives up. Looking at the her reflection in the river, she repeatedly mumbles, under her breath:

"Why do I want to die?
Why do I not apply
To the category of perfect life?"

Taking the last look at her blood-shot eyes, she steps forward. Smiling. Not regretting. Feeling happy for the first time ever, knowing it will all end too soon. And as she took her last breath, wind brushing her greasy, dark hair, the hand of fate failed to show up. She let go. Of everything.

Do you recognize this girl?

No Escaping

Yesterday I had an excuse for writing a lot of bullocks. Well, today I don't have one, and I'm still coming up with crap. I guess, the theory: everything good most end, has been proven to be right. I'm kind of disappointed with myself. For not having that supreme force and power of words. For failing to find the rush of beauty and making a drought. For being too weak to not write anything, despite the reasons described above. But as I learnt long time ago, the hard way, feeling sorry and pity for yourself is waste of time. You just have to get your ass up and move on. Try to find happiness. Or as in my case, any source for fairness and peace in your mind. If you keep moving, never stopping at the same place for too long, the things you are running away from will never catch you. But they will always be right behind you. Just around the corner. To get free from these demons, you can stop and fight them. You might lose and die. Or you might win and live free. But you can never be free, can you? I read this thing once while I was studying Kabbalah: A man works everyday from 9 to 5 so he could buy a house for his family and after 7 years saving up, when he has finally brought the house and lived there long enough to rebuild every corner, what does he want then? He wants a bigger house. The things we seek in life, are not the huge house or the money in our pockets. It's the feelings and emotions that these things provides us with:

Fulfillment. Peace of mind. Freedom form fear and anxiety. Financial security. Contentment. Love. Pleasure. Control. Knowledge. Happiness.

What do all of these things have in common? Not one of them is an actual, physical thing.

Bring It Back

Looking for the place within me. Where the gift is grace. Looking for the force where everything takes place. The wave of creation and inspiration which drag the beauty of my soul to the surface of the world.

This is not one of the entries when I spend ages thinking about how to put my thoughts and feelings into words. I wouldn't have written anything but I just need to get few things out of my head so I could devoted myself fully to Maths revision. I try to make it as short as possible.

I was on the train this morning, on my way to school, when one of the posters caught my eye. I think it was something about healthy living or something along those lines. But what triggered my mind was the slogan of this poster: "One life. Live it well". It's strange how some stupid advertising promotion can set of a whole cycle of feelings. I spend the rest of the journey thinking about it. How can I live my life when the only person I care about it miles away, doing hell know what? How can I be happy when the only one who understands me is living on the other side of the continent? Food doesn't taste as good and sleeping makes me miserable when I'm not with you. I love you, Julia. I need you.

And I'm more proud of you then words can describe. I always knew you can do it and I can't wait to see the pictures. I hope you had fun today. You know what I'm talking about, and everyone else can wait till tomorrow when I have more time to explain.

Umbrella

Dysfunctional umbrella or the protector?
Leap of fate or a made up story?
Perfect fit or a coincidence?
Lost in translation or a short phrase?


Protect me,
Protect me from the rain,
Protect me from the pain,
Protect me.

Show me,
Show me how it's done,
Show me what is fun,
Show me.

Tell me,
Tell me am I missed,
Tell me are you pissed,
Tell me.

Touch me,
Touch me while I'm whole,
Touch me with your soul,
Touch me.

Love me

Home

Go home,
Get wasted; or stoned,
Go home,
Smoke pot; or not.

Where nothing ever matters,
And everything is insane,
Where no one cares,
And everyone shares.

I call this place home,
It's not a show,
It's a second life.
And my pride.

I sit on my sofa,
Writing 4-lined stanzas,
Listening to the Chili's.
Neverland: I lived in today.

I'm coming home:
I'm not loved or missed.
I'm going on a holiday,
Aim to get pissed.

Bang, Bang and I'm still alive,
Pretty Birrty Thing blasting out of my television,
And I get a vision.
But I put it on the side.

Too scared to go beyond the 4th line.
While the Hammers are getting Hammerred,
And the Chilis are Chilling:
The teenagers are killing.

Is god nodding?
Or is fate crawling?
Why does life suck?
Don't say you don't give a fuck!

I made a plan,
And failed to follow it.
Revising seems too hard,
Exams are in my yard.

R.I.P. my love.
I can't stand this misery.
I'll give you up,
For good or bad.

I know fire will never spark,
I know I love you too hard,
I know I have to end this storm,
And my heart is breaking,
Just writing these words.

I Got A Soul, But I'm Not A Soldier

"Self-destruction" is the word circulating my mind today. Thinking of ways to hurt myself is not how I send my average day. Longing for the rain to wash away my frustration. Waiting for the wind to clear my mind.

As I probably mentioned few times before, something happened within me, not long ago. But as I also mentioned, I knew it will not last forever. Well, as heart-breaking as it sounds, I was right. The peace within my soul; the order of my mind: it's gone. Lost in the past. I'm back to where I started. Square one.

When you are struggling to find a reason to wake up in the morning. When you looking for an 'OFF' button to switch off your mind. When all you want to do is stop thinking and sleeping is the only comfort you ever get (you don't have to think while you're asleep). There is no one beside you. Holding your hand and leading you through the tunnel. To find the light at the end.

Some people cut their wrists and some give up eating. Some people start drinking and smoking, while some keep running until their legs give in. Others take drugs or stay up all night. And the rest stand in the freezing rain, waiting for all their problems to wash away. If you looking for ways to hurt yourself, let me tell you something. It does not work and it does not help. I've been there and done that. I got few scars and some broken bones. Few colds and endless warnings. But where am I now? Back where it all began.

A solution to this dilemma? I'm on a quest to find it.

And the timing of this 'catastrophe' is not so great either: 13 days before the Maths Exams begins. I cannot even concentrate on one thing for longer then 2 minutes.

Note Book

Since this blog thing is becoming like my beloved note book, I thought I as well use is as one. I just finished watching a film recommended by a friend. Apart from the fact that I am speechless (in a good way), it made me think what other great films are out there that have the same effect on me. I haven't watched a lot of films. Well, recently anyway. So there is probably millions of brilliant films to be watched, but the following are just some of the ones I have watched and liked. And remembered:

• Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind
• A Beatiful Mind
• Closer
• Transamerica
• Kill Bill 1&2
• 8 Mile
• Finding Neverland
• Aflie (I'm not sure about the film, but Jude Law was goooood.)
• The Matrix Trilogy
• Fight Club (latest addition to the list.)

Ordinary Day

When you think you cannot go on and when you about you drop to the ground unconsciously; this supreme force of energy comes rushing through your veins. It's too powerful to describe and too beautiful to illustrate. It is so divine, you have to work hard to feel it. But at the end, it's worth it.

So, now I got 'that' out of my system, I can move on the boring bit. For those who don't know, writing get very, VERY hard when you feel like your head is about to explode. And revising is an also impossible task to take when you are under influence of paracetamol. I don't have any inspiration or divine force today. If fact, I had a pretty shitty day. Ordinary day. Ordinary is shit.

Since I have nothing else to write about, the following passage is dedicated to Kiran Clarke. Occation: Her 15th birthday (although it's not for another 2 months): Warning: might sound lame!

To Kiran,
You mean so much to me. At the time of writing, I'm at peace with myself. It is the highest state of happiness I can achieve under the circurstances. You might hate me so saying this, but you're plain. And you keep me sane. That is why I love you. You neutralize the acidic volcanoes within me. While Julia is a source of life, you are my source of sanity. You are the reason why I found balance of my thoughts. While I know this peace within me will never last: a friend forever you may have.
For all the hours of nagging and bragging. For times I made you sad and for the times I refused to help. I want to thank you for keeping me sane and remaining so yourself. When I'm with you, not a day goes by when I don't smile.
The biggest gift of all:-
a friend.

Another episode

Love to hate and hate to love,
Love to love not knowing love,
Unexplored and yet unknown,
Love is fantasy, I’ve been shown.

‘Devil is your god,’ they say,
‘Worship devil,’ it’s the only way,
‘Do I not?’ I declare,
Lying part of me, is their only share.

God is love and love is evil,
Love is fantasy, I’ve seen myself,
Devil is the god of evil,
Thus a fantasy itself,

God will punish me,
While unfound in my soul.
Evil awaits for my to see,
My conscious is already foul.

So different, yet the same,
God will punish my evil deeds,
Unable to produce the seeds.
What is life without an aim?

Unidentified and distantly unknown,
I feel the so-called ‘Love’,
For the death and the evil,
Although unseen in my humanity,
The state of my mind is insanity.

Here we go again...

It's strange how, even when you are surrounded by people, you can still feeling alone. Even stranger, how sometimes you feeling your computer is your only friends.

But I'm chatting shit. I'm not alone. I have friends. Or a friend anyway. I know she loves me, and I know she's got other things on the agenda at the moment, but it wouldn't hurt to write me an email, or send me a text. Maybe it's just me being paranoid again; thinking she forgot about me. Yep, it's just one of those days when I feeling alone and depressed. It's one of those days what I spend doing nothing; thinking and needing to talk to someone. Anyone.

I tried to listen to some music. Didn't help. I tried to revise. Didn't work. I am probably going to fail my Maths GCSE. I don't even know what's wrong with me. Lately I lost my ability to concentrate. Something I NEVER had an issue with. I'm kind of known to concentrate and get good grade, but if I carry on like this I'm 'Going Down, Sugar'.

My parents are not helping either. I'm about to kill both of them and they got no idea. Or kill myself instead. I know they don't try to make me angry but if they just let me be there would me no problem. Anyway, not long to go till summer. 23rd July is the day. The day I resume my freedom. For few weeks anyway. On 23rd July I'm going home (Lithuania). And my parents are only joining me 2 weeks later. So between 23rd July and 2 August, I can spread my wings and fly where the wind takes me.

The Beginning

I'm not very good at this and words don't come naturally to me. But I try my best. A friends recommended to create a blog, and it kind of made sense.
The reason I'm writing here is because I found this place within me, these feelings and thoughts that I know I will lose soon. I want to capture them and make them last, and if writing about them is the only way, let it be.
If anyone ever read this, or even better, with anyone ever understand this, I like to inform them: you have entered a world of disturbed and confused teenage life.
For a long time I was lost within me and lost in this beautiful world. But recently something happened. I'm not sure when or how but something did happened. It took me some time to realize what it was. However, I know now. The period of time when I didn't know who I was, what I wanted or where I was going, was when I discovered myself. Well, I haven't exactly discovered myself, but... how should I put this... I made peace with myself. I stopped feeling sorry for myself. I stopped feeling jealous of others. But most of all, I learnt to appreciate what I have, even if it's not much.

Since this is my first entry, it's a bit shitty. But I will get better with time. Hopefully.

Oh, and about the blog title. I think music is one of the most, if not THE most powerful way to connect to people. Music is the reason why I'm still alive to write this. I'm listening to Lily Allen now. Although it's not really my kind of music, her lyrics brings tears to my eyes. Maybe it's because I can adapt her lyrics to some of my experiences or maybe she's just THAT good.

'Music of the Night' by V.C. Andrews

When a friend of mine recommended me this book, she advised me to not read it on a train or other public place because I will need a lot of tissues to wipe my tears with. According to her, if I will not shed a tear while reading this book, then I am an 'empty, cold-blooded freak'. However, three pages before I turned the last page and close the book for the last time, I wasn't even feeling sad.

Let me summarise the book for you (because I do not recommend it to anyone who count time as precious): a girl falls in love with a boy, grandmother doesn't like the boy, the boy dies, the girl loses her memory, grandmother puts the girl in mental institution, the girls falls in love with another boy, girl remembers the dead boy, girl kills herself.

And I read the book in Lithuanian. I wouldn't have liked it if it was in English and reading it in my first language didn't help.

'Rooster' by Rooster

My decision to put Rooster on this weeks Listening... list was based on one of their song. I have had that song in my 'Music' folder on my computer for years (since it came out in 2005 which makes it about two years) and just as long on my mp3 player. However, only recently or to be more specific today, I really discovered this song. Maybe it's the early mornings going to my head. Or maybe it is just that when a person is squashed in a boiling tube carriage on a morning rush whist being strangled by its winter coating and having no air to breath as the little of it is saturated by body odour and too much after shave, the person starts to see things that were invisible before. I don't know which on it is. And I don't really care.

To be honest Rooster shouldn't be on this list. And I really should just mention there single 'Deep and Meaningless' instead of the whole album but I feel like if I exclude the other songs from the album, I will be bulling them. And I am not a bully.
Anyway, about this song. When I was listening to it brought back some memories and I could relate to it. Well...not really relate to it. This song is just one of those songs that I wish I could relate to. AH! I don't know why I like it. I just do. So, if you like it too then you will understand why. And if you don't then you wont care why I like it.

To download to this, click here. By the way, this is kind of illegal so if I just don't tell anyone about this little sharing of music for free, I will be so grateful.

'Ugly Betty'

If you haven't been infected with the Ugly Betty fever yet then you either have been living in a cave far, far away or you are blistery unaware of the square box and genius that is your television.

Actually, it jas no addcitive plot, no attractive actors and the main charecters dresses like an actually clone with braces and glass instead of a mask. But for some weird reason, on Friday night when there is nothing else on television, my fingers wonder their way to the button marked '4' on my remote control.